"He [God] can give & Taketh Away"

I'm not sure if the quote actually goes like that but, I am soooo overwhelmed, I dont know If I'm doing what's right...
or If I'm doing what I want to do. I've given into conformity & it drives me crazy.

I know that "I" am not living right, I dont even have a relationship with God, I dont read the bible & I walk around cursing like a freight train. I'm the reflection of the spawn of satan. *smh*

I actually laid in my room & cried for 30 mins, I'm not sure, why ... I was crying , but I cried.

I just thought of where I am..in life, the way that I treat people, the way that people treat me, the things that I've settled for, the things that I've passed up and now regret .

but, God gives, and he takes, but he does IT for a reason,

Dont you think ?

My Birthday.

As whoeva the hell reads this knows.
yesterday was my birthday annnnnd the first day of class, it went horrible..
I mean, I was late for class & ended up sitting in the front of the classroom. *smh*
hell HE released us early, so I was like.. okay, wtf... and I walked back across campus to my 9:30am class, and you know.. wait.. wait, and I went in there..
you know how you sit in the back of the class to see who all coming in.. I did...
It was ALL females & 2 guys. "Interpersonal Communications" BITCH that's "Speech";
I am a very shy person.. so, aww shit I cant , dont know how that's gonna work for me as a person. *smh* They even sang happy birthday to me.. :)

but that day was overall a okay day, I came home.. hung out with my mom, & you know got phone calls... then done a few graphics napped & hung out with my lil bro.


but like I said, Praise God for letting me see another Year.

I've held my tongue for ever when it comes to my family, I mean, I dont really say anything.
Some times, I dont even feel like we're a family, I mean.. I cant really remember the last time we were all in the same room for longer than 30 minutes.

Its sad to see what's happened, you know.. I dont really complain, because I get to see them. Especially my dad, I love him so much, but growing up I really didn't see that much of him, because of his work schedule, when I got up for school he was asleep, and when I came home, I would miss him by 30 mins to an hr, because he had to go to work, and whenever the weekend came, he rarely spent time at home.

I'm grown now, but... I've gotten to the point where I'm looking back at my life, and you know like "what the hell?", I cant really stand being in the room alone with my dad.. nothing personal, or if he's at home, I'd rather him be here, but no in the same room with me, just be around, i know its weird, and when somethings wrong I'd rather go to my mom, before my dad and I absolutely HATE ask him for anything, I just feel like, I dont really need him, he breaks promises. he will say anything to make you feel better and run from the truth and I cant stand to even, look at him sometimes.

hell, he came to my high school graduation, and after we threw our hats up, I went to the stands and he wasn't there, my mom said his head was hurting so he left, but, I felt like he could have gave me, 10-15 mins of his time, it was my day, it hurt my feelings, but I didn't speak on it.

I somewhat, remember the fun times, but there weren't too many, and I just dont want that to happen to my kids, if I ever have any.

my real question is "when will men, stand up and be a true father, a real father to there kids?"

Today, is like any other day. I mean, I did some photoshop for a couple of friends, slept, woke up... =| .
my life really sucks .. to the max.

My birthdya is in 6 days, I turn 20.

I actually told my mom that I feel like a loser, but she told me that it takes people more time to get where they're going, you know.. I'm a capricorn, we're supposed to be ambitious.. ha, I am in my mind though.

I just get kind of over whelmed at times, and you know.. just go.. and be by myeslf.

but I just wonder will the world stop asking for so much, I dont really have a relationship with God, which I blame on myslef, I wasnt raised up in the church. I just grew up, I mean, I've lost alot along the way,  my house burned down when I was 7, we had to start over again, then I moved to a private school, graduated from there and entered High School.. to graduate... and.. enter Community College.

I'm not a social bug, I wasn't a popular chick, I was just.. Olivia, you say "hi" and I'll say "hi" .

I just wish that my childhood was better than it... was. but I'm just grateful I had one. ya know.

Hookup On Facebook ?

I am not a fuckin DIME piece but show me some respect.. hell! so, like.. I'm single & I aint got a problem with it.... I dont have anyone that I've taken interest in.. I'm actually fine, focused on me and college, family.. the whole 9 yards. I'm not shunning away LOVE either.

This random guy added me on facebook, I thought "Oh, A New Friend.. no big deal" the conversations started off okay, but it went the WAY I thought it would. you know, I may be a BIG girl, but baby I have some confidence in myself, and Im not selling myself short like what the hell, I guess he thought because this is the INTERNET, I can only find a man online, or that I was looking for one.. ughh. I was highly upset & disrespected.

mhh. So here goes the CONVO:

Chris Brown .

well, Im a graphic arts student.. I think that its amazing how you can make..art out of simple things and, I really like tattoos & piercings.... I'll get some soon, but lately... I've taken a liking to the young Mister Chris Brown.

So.. yea.. I did these today. *smh*

I'm not a competitive person, I admire all Artist.
but, yea.. I have a long way to go with this art thing tho.

Love Lost ?

I'm here, my feet flat on the ground doing what I do.  I had this person, that I believed in,  you know.

I admit I'm a stubborn person, I have my moments where I'll let you in, and other times, I have the door open.. and I'll shut it sooo fast. 

but, this past summer, I opened that door and let this guy know me, for who I am.. I felt like I could confide my every thing in him, and I loved that nigga with all my heart, I just couldn't understand what I was doing wrong to make him, lie to me. 

I mean, we were the epic couple.. I mean, not really, but we could argue over some stupid shit, I would roll my eyes & he'd just.. stare at me.. and I'd smile. 

Shit was crazy... uhm, the way that we ended it wasn't really the way that it should have been but, everything happens for a reason. I learned that.. I wont regret what we had. It was .. good, whatever it was. 

but, I will always have love for him, because what i felt was real. 

You know.. this is stupid.. *smh*

I wont give up on love, but the heart is strong,  and I will find that someone, somewhere that will return the love in which I give.

Do you feel me?

Emotional ?

I uhnm, this person .. I care for you dearly, but I cant go back to where I was, I cant allow myself to care deeply and you play me.

I'm not the finest thing in the world, but I am a person, I am someone.  I am a lover, and when I love, I love hard, I love with all my heart.

So many people have fucked me over in the past, and hell I'm tired, but I dont really wanna close out the people that are putting an effort in to get to kno me.

I have the hardest time expressing my emotions, I dont trust anyone. but I know that by being this secrective,  not really secretive, but protective, I'm missing out on what could possibly be. 

That is some shit I have to work on as a person.
but, I give you props for never backing down.

Who are you today ?

I think I'm bipolar.
I dont even know what happened. its like one day I'm fine, all smiles, friendly, just happy to be alive, then the next day,  I wake up .. feeling like fuck everybody that aint me. 


I can't stand feeling like .. a Jekyl & Hyde . I need to come to terms with this shit .


My mama said , "the less people you have in your life, the less drama there will be". she's right, but I look at it, as if, she has lived her life, its over for her.  psshh , but my mama is write most of the time.


I don't really know . *smh* but, you know .. you gotta accept the good with the bad ... learn and move along.