Knockinq Me Down!

I don't know whether or not I'm confused or I see the bigger picture. I mean all of my life I've wanted to make my own path, My memories, You know define or "Find Myself" as people would say. but I have noticed a pattern of when the new year rings in, a lot of people they are a NEW ME, some seek religion some seek "New Years Resolutions" and so forth but no more than 3-4 months. here they are again.

Doing the same thing they were doing before that 3 months of posing. hahaha. man that shit tickles the hell out of me. I would hope that people. Whether RED, BROWN,YELLOW,WHITE, BLACK. come to understand that life is about being YOU, and doing what you want to do. I mean of course people run around putting themselves on pedestals and acting "BRAND NEW". but you shouldn't even try and DOWN talk that individual because sooner or later that negativity comes back down on you. I mean people claim that they are the bigger an better person. but your ACTIONS are far more important. Never Ever knock someone down on your journey to the top, if they're lost, just help them and maybe they can help you in return.

Restitution...

Restitution is... sort of like Redemption.... (and no I'm not Jocking T.I)...
WEBSTER--->
1: an act of restoring or a condition of being restored: as

• a: a restoration of something to its rightful owner


• b: a making good of or giving an equivalent for some injury

2: a legal action serving to cause restoration of a previous state

but I just got to thinking. In the bible it says that it is better to give than receive and I think my WHOLE life, I've been the taker never the giver. You, the taker or shall I say ME, The Taker, has come to realize that I'm just one lucky unappreciative person. I mean, my mother gave me life, blessed with a family, and this house... with the luxuries supplied by my parents. As much as I complain, I love my family but GOODNESS GRACIOUS!! Sometimes things become rather stressful and hard to handle. I know now... RESTITUTION starts here, now. I mean It's actually time to undo damage and make things right... start a new chapter rather than starting over... which no one can. It just seems as though I owe to myself as well as my parents to be better, to do better, show them as well as everyone else that I can overcome obstacles and that I at least have some type of intellengence whether it be book smart even though it seem to be... pawning Common sense. =)....

[Update Coming Soon =)]

My Journey....

Everyday I wake up thinking to myself ... "Today I'm making moves" only to be stuck in the same position I'm in. My parents && Everybody else tell me... "You can do whatever you want, its all up to you." but In order to get where I'm going I need a little help. Its kind of like the little kid that can't swim. You're supposed to put them on the shallow end and let them work their way to the middle. Not just throw them in the deep end and say, "You're on your own now." I'm not ready, I should be though but some of this is my fault also, I've been so caught up with needing SOMEONE to validate me. I'm thinking clearer now.... and WHO KNOWS what'll happen next....

Let It Flow

I'm so sorry!! I never even meant for it to happen. I wouldn't take back everything that has happened I just wish that I would have went about it the right way rather than the wrong way.

I can't say how sorry I am, and I can't take back the pain, and the embarrassment that I caused but I'm so so sorry, I wish that I could take the lies and the hurt away. I want to be that person that YOU envision me being... but I cant. I'm just me, the same goofball, mean girl, sometimes random, often said to be "Complex" girl that you grew attached to. If you're looking for something other than that... I'm SORRY. not going to happen. I just wish that it turned out the way YOU wanted rather than the way IT did. In life we all make mistakes, but Me, I make my share of mistakes and I beat myself up over them. You will remain on my mind from time to time, like you do now. It'll never be the same, You don't see me for ME. You see me for what you SEE and what you ONLY see not what you KNOW about me also.

Often I think that if, I were the person you wanted me to be, then it'd be okay... It'd be fine. but its not. It would've been a LIE. I'm not asking for a miracle. I know that I'll probably never speak to you on the level that we were on. but I see that it'd be better if I moved on and forgot all about you. I can't though. I became emotionally involved... and I know that you're hurting... but its killing me.

I die today, tomorrow or the next day. I just want for all the pain, anger, irritation, and hatred for me... to cease to exist and joy be brought into your life.

Right now, this doesn't make sense but I... wrote this for a reason. and ONLY the people who were involved with this incident, know what I'm talking about I'm done I'm finished all I have to say is....

I'm utterly and deeply sorry for not being what you wanted.
I'm sorry that I'm not perfect.
I'm sorry I'm not what you expected.
I'm sorry I can't take back anything that caused you pain.
They say everything happens for a reason and...
Karma will come back to get me...
I'm totally aware and prepared for the consequences...
but I will overcome this feeling of ---
not meeting your standards... and not being good enough for you...
I can only be me... like it or not I can only be me.

I'm just a girl trying to make everybody happen, but in the end I ended up
being a failure to everybody and being TRUE to myself and that's good enough
for me. =)