Acceptance ?

Only god can judge me now.

No one is always right.
I still haven't learned how to let things go.
I am no longer patient . I am conformed . The world has it's grasp on me.

If you spend half of your life seeking acceptance you tend to lose who you are. And the people look at you different when you find the common sense to be you and that not everyone will like you.

And when a person says "I don't like you" it isn't you .... It's the things you do or the way you do things.

Life is something we have yet to understand . But I'm learning slowly .



-- Olivia via iPhone

Got The Internet Going Nuts....!

To some people the internet gives them an alter-ego, I mean, why do you go through so much trouble trying to please everyone you meet on the net ? Like, are you fuckin serious? I'm not saying that you can`t meet a nice person and build a friendship, but some people try entirely too hard. Take TWITTER for example, I rarely tweet, I have a life and I'd rather focus on the funds that are being accumulated, HOWEVER, some girls are all over twitter with they asses & tits, the same as the whole Myspace phenomenon, and its only for attention from the males followers. That shit blows my mind. And the fellas actually give them attention. Then they want act all surprise when the DM you for pussy pics and all kind of frivolous shit. I swear its like high school all over again.

It doesn't really bother me like obsessive bother, I just noticed it happening,  but I just DONT understand why people choose or even think about turning towards the internet for attention when you can get up off your ass and go to a party or do something with friends. Preoccupy your time. You dont have to live your life through the internet. You have a life, being YOU.. the one that's there when the CPU turns off, or your phones dies.  

I'm not preaching I'm just saying... I dont understand, and I'd like to. =| 

Color... is an issue now ?

I am a very quiet chick, I don't really get involved in the drama, or the people that bring it around. Today in class, I watched the movie "Crash". I never knew how many stereotypes there were and I do find myself acting racist from time to time, and I am guilty of saying a racial slur, but that isn't who I am.

I know that racism is still in America, we see it all the time, but people tend to submit to bullshit because they feel powerless to their superior and they don't feel like challenging their authority, I think its ridiculous, especially when people close their minds to interracial couples.

I can go on & on about this, but to me... color doesn't matter anymore, I'm over that, I think that everyone should be given a chance, you know..... its the personality that's key, not who their mother is, who their father is  or how much money do they have.

Clouded Judgement

&& It reads "its funny, how things happen, people put prized possessions over the ones they love, they let emotions, rage, overpower logical decisions.... if today happens to be my last.... "appreciate life as what it is, smile even though the sky is gray", you are alive and God loves you. :) and so do I. --- Olivia N. Jones"

Today, was one of those days where you learn something about people that you THOUGHT you knew.

I meant it. I mean, how can you let materialistic things cloud your judgement, things get worn & torn, bruised, battered and broken, but people who love you will always remain. 

but I figured out WHY, people say that MONEY is pure evil.

Battle Of The Sexes

March 9th

Oh dear , I actually listened to it, and its not bad. Ludacris has always had the fire, the beats are what keeps us in tune with it all. but I prefered one track over it all. and it was "Tell Me A Secret". I really like the way that he elaborated on the idea of a perfect relationship. crazy tho. *smh*

1.Intro

2.How Low

3.My Chick Bad

4.Everybody Drunk

5.I Do It All Night

6.Sex Room

7.I Know You Got A Man

8.Hey Ho

9.Party No Mo’

10.B.O.T.S. Radio

11.Can’t Live With You

12.Feelin’ So Sexy

13.Tell Me A Secret

14.My Chick Bad Remix

Bonus - Sexting

Aunt Bonnie's Funeral.

I posted a blog awhile back about my aunt.

She passed away Feburary 13th, the day before valentine's day. my mom said she had a feeling & told everybody to come together & go see her, which was, Me, my big bro, my sis, mom, uncle albert & uncle hub... and 3am the next morning they said she died.


My aunt bonnie actually gave me my first name, she loved me. =) I was bright & chunky just like her. she wanted the best for me. she wanted me to go to college and hell when Im at school & i say, "shit i cant stand school". i think about her gettin on my ass.


its been hell tryina get this funeral service together, she aint have no life insurance so we're tryina scrap the $7k, i've gave all i got because i know she'd do the same, but ... its a bunch of bullshit going on.


like, how hard is it to put somebody in the ground.. hell dont worry about where her possessions is going.. just let us lay her to rest.

Through Their Eyes

lately, I haven't updated anything on most of my social sites.

but, I've been realizing alot of things in society as well as me, as a person.

This semester I have this required class called "Interpersonal Communications" ; basically its speech and I dont really read the book, IDK why? but I just dont read the book, HOWEVER, I understand most of the things that she says.

uhm, like.. Reflected Appraisal .. the people around us, their perception.. of... "us".

and I was sitting there like.. dang, I do give in to conformity and that shit aint even what it does.

but I said & wrote on facebook.. "i hate that we seek acceptance through the eyes of another, never starting with 'self'."

because, when things happen to you.. you are the one to have to face the consequences.

hmm. today was one of those.. REAL moments. Educating the uneducated.

i hate that we seek acceptance through the eyes of another, never starting with 'self'.

Grandparents. i dont know yall like I want.

my mom is my shoulder to lean on. I've never met her parents, they died before I was born and my dad's mom, I know her, but my grandpa....well, they never really talk about him.. idk why though.

I dont even ask either, but sometimes, I wonder.. Because my dad is her first born, hell that nigga is old as shit though. but, idk, I wish that I knew all of my family, but hell I appreciate what little family I do have.

and I really did this post because I was looking at this woman&man and their granddaughter, and thought "hell i wonder if my grandparents would've done me like that" ; but what the hell.

on the other hand, Happy Birthday Grandma Theo M. Johnson.. (My mom's Mother) :)

Welcome Baby Kalia & Malia

Well, My birthday was January 19th woo hoo. and alla that good shit.

Lol. January 21st, 8am, I missed class that day, but I welcomed my two neices into the world.
Malia & Kalia . Kalia is a premature baby.

But, you know what that day was a fuckin` mess, I was standing in the waiting room the machine took my money so I had to go downstairs.. I was fuckin off in the hallway actin childish, and My mama got mad talking bout "fuckin with you & the soda machine Imma miss the babies" ; mannn, I said fuck it & walked off .. by the time we got upstairs, I shared a soda w/ my lil bro and as I was about to sit down outside the nursery, the curtains flew open & there was baby A , Kalia .. and soon here comes baby B, Malia.


I dont have anykids, I mean kids are cool til they get on my nerves, then I'm not even the one to be around kids, but babies, makes my heart melt, like for real, and I think I snapped 400+ pictures, hell I shot video and all kinda stuff, I would post a picture, but they daddy is acting GAY, "i dont want my babies pics on the net" ; but yea.. :) Welcome Baby Kalia & Malia.

"He [God] can give & Taketh Away"

I'm not sure if the quote actually goes like that but, I am soooo overwhelmed, I dont know If I'm doing what's right...
or If I'm doing what I want to do. I've given into conformity & it drives me crazy.

I know that "I" am not living right, I dont even have a relationship with God, I dont read the bible & I walk around cursing like a freight train. I'm the reflection of the spawn of satan. *smh*

I actually laid in my room & cried for 30 mins, I'm not sure, why ... I was crying , but I cried.

I just thought of where I am..in life, the way that I treat people, the way that people treat me, the things that I've settled for, the things that I've passed up and now regret .

but, God gives, and he takes, but he does IT for a reason,

Dont you think ?

My Birthday.

As whoeva the hell reads this knows.
yesterday was my birthday annnnnd the first day of class, it went horrible..
I mean, I was late for class & ended up sitting in the front of the classroom. *smh*
hell HE released us early, so I was like.. okay, wtf... and I walked back across campus to my 9:30am class, and you know.. wait.. wait, and I went in there..
you know how you sit in the back of the class to see who all coming in.. I did...
It was ALL females & 2 guys. "Interpersonal Communications" BITCH that's "Speech";
I am a very shy person.. so, aww shit I cant , dont know how that's gonna work for me as a person. *smh* They even sang happy birthday to me.. :)

but that day was overall a okay day, I came home.. hung out with my mom, & you know got phone calls... then done a few graphics napped & hung out with my lil bro.


but like I said, Praise God for letting me see another Year.

I've held my tongue for ever when it comes to my family, I mean, I dont really say anything.
Some times, I dont even feel like we're a family, I mean.. I cant really remember the last time we were all in the same room for longer than 30 minutes.

Its sad to see what's happened, you know.. I dont really complain, because I get to see them. Especially my dad, I love him so much, but growing up I really didn't see that much of him, because of his work schedule, when I got up for school he was asleep, and when I came home, I would miss him by 30 mins to an hr, because he had to go to work, and whenever the weekend came, he rarely spent time at home.

I'm grown now, but... I've gotten to the point where I'm looking back at my life, and you know like "what the hell?", I cant really stand being in the room alone with my dad.. nothing personal, or if he's at home, I'd rather him be here, but no in the same room with me, just be around, i know its weird, and when somethings wrong I'd rather go to my mom, before my dad and I absolutely HATE ask him for anything, I just feel like, I dont really need him, he breaks promises. he will say anything to make you feel better and run from the truth and I cant stand to even, look at him sometimes.

hell, he came to my high school graduation, and after we threw our hats up, I went to the stands and he wasn't there, my mom said his head was hurting so he left, but, I felt like he could have gave me, 10-15 mins of his time, it was my day, it hurt my feelings, but I didn't speak on it.

I somewhat, remember the fun times, but there weren't too many, and I just dont want that to happen to my kids, if I ever have any.

my real question is "when will men, stand up and be a true father, a real father to there kids?"

Today, is like any other day. I mean, I did some photoshop for a couple of friends, slept, woke up... =| .
my life really sucks .. to the max.

My birthdya is in 6 days, I turn 20.

I actually told my mom that I feel like a loser, but she told me that it takes people more time to get where they're going, you know.. I'm a capricorn, we're supposed to be ambitious.. ha, I am in my mind though.

I just get kind of over whelmed at times, and you know.. just go.. and be by myeslf.

but I just wonder will the world stop asking for so much, I dont really have a relationship with God, which I blame on myslef, I wasnt raised up in the church. I just grew up, I mean, I've lost alot along the way,  my house burned down when I was 7, we had to start over again, then I moved to a private school, graduated from there and entered High School.. to graduate... and.. enter Community College.

I'm not a social bug, I wasn't a popular chick, I was just.. Olivia, you say "hi" and I'll say "hi" .

I just wish that my childhood was better than it... was. but I'm just grateful I had one. ya know.

Hookup On Facebook ?

I am not a fuckin DIME piece but show me some respect.. hell! so, like.. I'm single & I aint got a problem with it.... I dont have anyone that I've taken interest in.. I'm actually fine, focused on me and college, family.. the whole 9 yards. I'm not shunning away LOVE either.

This random guy added me on facebook, I thought "Oh, A New Friend.. no big deal" the conversations started off okay, but it went the WAY I thought it would. you know, I may be a BIG girl, but baby I have some confidence in myself, and Im not selling myself short like what the hell, I guess he thought because this is the INTERNET, I can only find a man online, or that I was looking for one.. ughh. I was highly upset & disrespected.

mhh. So here goes the CONVO:

Chris Brown .

well, Im a graphic arts student.. I think that its amazing how you can make..art out of simple things and, I really like tattoos & piercings.... I'll get some soon, but lately... I've taken a liking to the young Mister Chris Brown.

So.. yea.. I did these today. *smh*

I'm not a competitive person, I admire all Artist.
but, yea.. I have a long way to go with this art thing tho.

Love Lost ?

I'm here, my feet flat on the ground doing what I do.  I had this person, that I believed in,  you know.

I admit I'm a stubborn person, I have my moments where I'll let you in, and other times, I have the door open.. and I'll shut it sooo fast. 

but, this past summer, I opened that door and let this guy know me, for who I am.. I felt like I could confide my every thing in him, and I loved that nigga with all my heart, I just couldn't understand what I was doing wrong to make him, lie to me. 

I mean, we were the epic couple.. I mean, not really, but we could argue over some stupid shit, I would roll my eyes & he'd just.. stare at me.. and I'd smile. 

Shit was crazy... uhm, the way that we ended it wasn't really the way that it should have been but, everything happens for a reason. I learned that.. I wont regret what we had. It was .. good, whatever it was. 

but, I will always have love for him, because what i felt was real. 

You know.. this is stupid.. *smh*

I wont give up on love, but the heart is strong,  and I will find that someone, somewhere that will return the love in which I give.

Do you feel me?

Emotional ?

I uhnm, this person .. I care for you dearly, but I cant go back to where I was, I cant allow myself to care deeply and you play me.

I'm not the finest thing in the world, but I am a person, I am someone.  I am a lover, and when I love, I love hard, I love with all my heart.

So many people have fucked me over in the past, and hell I'm tired, but I dont really wanna close out the people that are putting an effort in to get to kno me.

I have the hardest time expressing my emotions, I dont trust anyone. but I know that by being this secrective,  not really secretive, but protective, I'm missing out on what could possibly be. 

That is some shit I have to work on as a person.
but, I give you props for never backing down.

Who are you today ?

I think I'm bipolar.
I dont even know what happened. its like one day I'm fine, all smiles, friendly, just happy to be alive, then the next day,  I wake up .. feeling like fuck everybody that aint me. 


I can't stand feeling like .. a Jekyl & Hyde . I need to come to terms with this shit .


My mama said , "the less people you have in your life, the less drama there will be". she's right, but I look at it, as if, she has lived her life, its over for her.  psshh , but my mama is write most of the time.


I don't really know . *smh* but, you know .. you gotta accept the good with the bad ... learn and move along.