Futuristic Jones

Texas !

Michael Jackson

*sigh*

uhm.. I've been contemplating this blog; whether to write it or do a video.

My Aunt Bonnie is in ICU; anddddddd idk if she'll ever get back to where she was. (UPDATE:SHE'S NOT)

You know all my life.. she was "Aunt Bonnie"
...ask & you shall receive. If I didn't have she'd TRY and get it.. or make plans to get it. :) .. I love her for that.

The 3 times that I have been to the hospital; I dont go near her bed.. I just take a seat or keep my distance... and I stare.

I think about what she said to me; the last time.. "Olivia, you're smart.. You need to go TO COLLEGE, I know you can do it. I want to see you in college before I leave this earth; you too smart.. WAYYY to smart."

I feel like I'm finna cry.. but I cant... You know. I'm sad, but I cant cry because I know... I just want her to get better. She's important to me, not only because she's my aunt.

she named me OLIVIA. yeaa she named me that.

Its not that I need her, but I want her to live a lil longer. Stay just a little bit longer.

I think the thing that gets me the most is that I'm used to her being a phone call away, a 10 min drive away. I didn't give her a second thought really.

When you KNOW that the person isn't there you feel empty.. you feel like a piece is missing. I feel that way tho. for some odd reason.

She spoiled me coming up.. Lool. I remember my mom telling me that one time I had a bowl of peas & I wasted em && Aunt Bonnie went to the store & BOUGHT me another can. :D .

Yeaaa; Auntie loves me and I love her back.

I mean my other family member say "I cant stand to look at her like that".

but Its fine to me. Mom & I watch the health channel alot.

I just stare and & think of .. everything she's done.. positive and negative for me, ya know.. I just close my eyes from time to time and say in my mind. pleasseee snap out of it.

I understand she aint dead but, she can't talk back.

I feel like I didn't appreciate her like I should have I feel kinda guilty but no one lives forever... but God has plans for her.. and It's gonna hurt me, but Death is a part of life.

And.. Now that I'm in college after she nagged me EVERY SINGLE TIME she saw me. She didn't get to see me. She can't say anything to me. like "How is college?" or "What classes are you taking?".

But I'm fine. It'll be fine. I just wont give up. no matter how overwhelmed or stressed I get.. I'll stand strong.

College means more NOW than ever.

I just wish I change the way things are going.

Just know.. that "I love you AUNT BONNIE always.. && forever".




-- Olivia N. Jones.

I'm considerate of other people's feelings, hardbody but I'm tired.

I get tired of being there for you && when I need you... you're not there.

There is so many things wrong with this picture.

I don't say anything.. I just let it ride.

You know sometimes I wonder how we got this far.

What were we holding on to?

Its like I'm looking back down the road and all I see is bullshit. PURE bullshit.

you say soooo many things to make me believe you. but in the end it all boils down to you lying.

I honestly can't handle this. I would've trusted you with my life. but, I dont think I can do that.

I'm not a little kid anymore. You can't just say things && not expect me to ... I dont even care anymore dude.

just..

I'm just tired.. really I am. && you... KNOW who you are.

I 've never really done anything for me; like seriously I haven't.

I've always done things because they HAD to be done, or someone else wanted that FOR ME!

I'm kinda lost right now. I've always been the one.. who has a plan.
Rarely do I ever go with the flow. I'm more of a "I WILL DO THIS" and it be done.

I've never really made ANY choices for myself; I've always let my parents or somebody else decide for me.

but, I feel like I'm at a split in the road. you know, asking myself; "Where Do I Go From Here."
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[I'm posted up.. thinking. ]

we are born we LEARN half of our lives & work until.. we die eventually.

No one really LIVESSSS it to the fullest because we're too busy with grade school & college and work. [unlike the ppl born INTO money]

but the world is ruled by money; it makes it go round. if you aint got money.. then.. YOU AINT NOBODY.

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I've been GROWN; but I aint been acting like it.

I'm shy.. like REALLY shy. I dont DO things because I'm afraid I'll mess up. I'm a people pleaser & IT HAS TO STOP!

I'm always telling myself "Oh you have to do this because SO & SO said so..."

you know.. but my momma told me "THIS IS YOUR LIFE; DO RIGHT BY IT"

I'm not sure where I go from here.. but I know its NOWHERE near where I am now.

I actually somewhat care, what people think but I constantly remind myself that THEY AINT BENEFICIAL so therefore THEY DONT MATTER!

Each day is a blessing.. and.. I'm not taking it for granted.